Long time no see. I thought I would do this little list which is in no order. Originally it was going to be a top 1, but I wasn't sure if I would either have too many or not enough. Having been in retail all my working life, I've come across many a customer, and I'm certain lists like this exists, but it's my blog so I can write what I like.
"This costs how much?"
-This one I just don't understand. Especially now with the economy the way it is, why in the world would you think everything would be cheap? No ink doesn't cost a few bucks. No you can't get a laptop at 200 dollars. Printers aren't 50 bucks and webcam isn't 99cents. I know you came into the store to spend money, so don't look at me like an idiot because you're paying for it regardless, I'm not lowering the price of toner because you didn't think it cost so much.
"Well I'm never coming back here again!"
-Thank you! That's really what I want to say when you tell me that, because that means I don;t have to put up with you ever again. You seem to leave thinking I've been the unpleasant one, but when you come at me with an attitude and a largely intentional decision not to hear me out, understand that YOU are being the unpleasant one. YOU are the person we laugh at when you leave. YOU are the jackass the other customers are glad is gone when you slip through the doors. They aren't ever backing you up because they see that you are being the unreasonable one. And besides, this ain't an election, companies don't give a rat's ass about a single person's dollar.
"Can you help me find X, Y, zzzzzzzz "
-I generally like helping people when they genuinely need it. Don't understand all this new-fangled technology, I'll gladly help you. But don't ask me where something is when you clearly know where it is and have indeed come out of said aisle to ask me about it. Sure you make up the lie about not having seen it, but be honest with yourself, did you really just want to make conversation with me? I honestly had a lady, when I worked at Hell-Hole..eh I mean Wal-Mart, ask me where light bulbs were when we were standing directly next to them. That's not being thick, that has got to be being lonely.
"I've done the research and "
-Blah blah blah. You haven't done the research, you're making up a list of bullshit and expecting me to complete the bullshit circle to sell you something for either a lower price or a better deal. Working at Staples, I get more "Pro's" come in and bullshit me about how they researched all the HP printers and... look, I know you haven't, had you done so, you may have come in with some papers. I'm tired of the "I did some research online, and it seems you don't have the model number here... oh dear me I've forgotten it, 4o something" That tells me you didn't and you tried to come up with a number by looking at the nearby numbers. Then you attempt to tell me its the model between the two on display and that's the one you want. Only for me to potentially embarrass you around your kids or other customers by calling you out on it and letting you know that there is no model number in between.
"Plan? No thanks, if it breaks I'll just by another"
-That's a dumb and irrational philosophy to go about in life. Working again at Staples, we're not forced, but encouraged to offer protection and replacement plans on our electronics. That would save you the hassle of having to buy something all over again. I repeat, that would save you the hassle of having to by something ALL OVER AGAIN. I don't know what ballin' world you live in where you can blow 300 bucks on printers all the damn time, but I know if I'm putting that money down on something, I'd spend an extra forty to insure I don't have to spend 300 all over again. It's my belief customers think we as a business try to get them on everything and they think they're being the smart ones... yeah right.
-I'd give this one a line above it, but no customer has verbally told me they believe they're the right one because "The customer is always right". Truth is that is some bullshit. You customer are not always right. Thankfully you aren't because stores would be scary places. You always have your best intentions in mind and not the intentions of everyone who comes into the store. I've had customers who heard I was putting something on hold for someone try and coerce me to give it to them instead. Very very greedy customer, very very greedy.
"Do you have it in the back?/Could you check the back?"
-I honestly wish customers never learned of the back room. I'm not entirely sure what you think the back is, but I can tell you what it isn't. The back room is not a magical wonderland where fairies, pixies, and satyrs hand me exactly what it was you are asking for. It isn't a world of perfect harmony where I simply think up what you want and it appears. The real deal? The place is a messy maze of pallets, boxes, and plastic. Even on a good day it is impossible to tell one thing from the other and if what you want is back there? I'm not about to waste 20 minutes diving through a pallet of shit to find what you want when other stores exist, that buck of yours is not powerful enough to have me doing that. Half the time the shit is right above you anyway, just look up.
"Will you sell me the display for a discount?"
-Number one at Staples, and typically Office Depot. We don't do discounts on shit that is out already. We'd clearly be losing money on that proposition, so no it doesn't exist, go to Wal-Mart for that crap. Number two, why the hell would you want something that has been in a store, out on display for all order of people to touch, poke, prod, and possibly have already broken? It has no box and typically comes with what you see which is nothing so why bother? You bother because you think you're getting it half off and then are all sad and pissy when I tell you we don't. Even if we took money off, WHY would you want it? It may function, but not at the zenith of it's potential like it did when it was new? I wouldn't want to sit in a chair every ass in the town has had to have sitten in. I wouldn't want a printer techs have been printing demos on for months before now.
"I'm looking for this thing, if you show me where it is I'll remember it."
-There's actually two different categories with this one. The first one goes out to everyone who thinks they can play charades and perfectly explain to me something they have only half an idea of what it is. I'm not Google, don't go about giving me dimensions like I know exactly what the hell you're talking about. Don't go about telling me it's like this but not this, when either it clearly is what I've shown you or something completely different. A lady gave me dimensions of a safe and she wanted a file folder. The second part typically involves not remembering what you wanted, but expecting there to be some amazing list of pictures you can look through to jog your memory. It doesn't and has never existed. Don't remember that printer for your ink? Too bad, go home and come back, because I can't go off of "it's one of the older models". I'm not clairvoyant, I can't guess what printer it is based off of that.
And lastly
-The Easy Button is not fun, it's not funny, and it's not useful. Had an old lady harrass me, claiming that on a commercial the Easy Button made things cheaper. It doesn't, and if one more kid comes in there and hits that button till it's about to break, I'm gonna break it and then break them. It's almost like having someone come up to your ear and shout "HIT ME" twenty times in a row, but you can't because they're incased in armor.
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